Mika's New Hollywood

3 Scams You May or May Not Know About

2009-02-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

So I remembered that I have this blog after several months of neglect. oops. Here's 3 scams/conspiracies that I thought of that need to be addressed.

1. Shredded Iceberg Lettuce. The biggest conspiracy theory in all of food-kind. I was telling a friend how useless I thought iceberg lettuce was on a sandwich, and he replied with a "It's a good source of Thiamin". Really? That's all you got for iceberg lettuce? How about I just take a multivitamin and don't get the lettuce, therefore saving my sandwich from being messy and tasting like water. Never in the history of the world has anyone said, "You know this turkey sandwich is really good. But you know what makes it great? The fucking shredded iceberg lettuce!" Most subs or chicken sandwiches from major franchise restaurants have shredded iceberg lettuce on it and my only conclusion is that its there to fill you up. It's not there for the taste that's for sure. I just want to meet an iceberg lettuce farmer. "So you're an iceberg lettuce farmer..? Just livin' the dream, huh..."

2. Kirsten Dunst. How is she a major Hollywood actress? How is she an actress at all? How is she alive? You'd think as a Hollywood actress she would have the funds to get her teeth fixed, but somehow the snaggletooth continues to get work. I don't buy the idea that she's trying to send an image that she isn't shallow by not fixing her teeth. Her whole career is based on her image, because it sure isn't based on her thespian skills of Meryl Streep. Now if she could pull off a Charlize Theron in Monster by putting on a chilling performance as a coked-up prostitute murderer then her "shallow complex" would be more believable. The fact is she's the reason why the Spiderman series went down the drain (besides the directors, the writers, and the other actors).

3. Modern Sequels. Hancock 2, Jumper 2, Donnie Darko 2, Inside Man 2. Whhaaaa? Whhhyy? Look, some of the greatest movies are sequels, The Godfather Part 2, and Terminator 2 but you have to have some sense of what will work and what won't. "Woohoo Jumper was a complete box office flop and Hayden Christensen never really plays likable characters, lets make another one!" I mean I really liked Inside Man but what else could they possibly do? Rob another bank? How could you build suspense for that? The second you sit down for that movie you're thinking, "I bet one of the characters is hiding something or organizing an elaborate plan almost like he's an... In... side... Man, oh snap!"

My hell is walking onto the set of Jumper 2 where Kirsten Dunst is shooting a scene with a shredded iceberg lettuce sandwich in her hand.

Thank You Obama, Not for Anything You've Done Politically, but for Giving Me an Awesomely Awkward Night

2008-11-17T15:52:00.001-08:00

So the next order of business is easily our newly elected president Barack Obama. I don't have television in my bedroom so on the day of the election I was in my room using my phone as my conduit to the outside world. Normally I watch a movie or listen to music with my headphones in so that I can drown out the talking of old people complaining about life.

...Oh yea, before I continue this story I have to introduce a new character. So for the past couple of weeks a friend of the lady (her name is Terry) I live with has been staying at the house as a guest. His name is "The Journeyman". That's not his nickname, that's not some type of inside joke, that's his name. It was extremely awkward for us the first time I met him because I couldn't take him seriously, and he could tell. He introduces himself as "The Journeyman" and I give him the "Where do you get your weed?" look. I then proceed to look back at Terry, like a little boy would look at his teacher to solve a math problem on the chalk board, but she was just as serious as him. So what does "The Journeyman" do all day at our house? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. He sits around all day, talks to Terry about how bad our government is, takes naps, and occasionally stares at me like I'm the Vietcong. I'm totally fine with this "look" because any person that calls himself "The Journeyman" has no way of having me take him/her seriously in any form.

Okay so back to election day. I was sitting in my room without headphones for once because I wanted to hear the T.V. in the living room since Terry and The Journeyman were watching the election. I would of just gone out there and watched it with them, but her T.V. is from 1923 and still has the bunny ear antennas. This means every channel (and by "every" I mean the awesome 3 local channels) has enough static to give you a seizure after five minutes. So I was just relaxing in my room and enjoying the fact that Obama was up by over 100 electoral votes, and randomly I decide to go outside to use the restroom. Of course at this exact moment that I leave my room God decides to entertain me by making the The Journeyman say the following sentence. "Why do people say Obama is African-American. He's half white too, and he was raised mainly by his white mother, so technically he's more white than black." Lets give it to T.J. (I refuse to type his full name ever again), theoretically he has a pretty good point. So right when he says that line I stop dead in my tracks, and I stopped so awkwardly that both Terry and T.J. notice and turn towards me. I laugh to myself, contemplate if I should say what I'm really about to say, then realize that this conversation, if everything goes perfect, could enter the top 5 convos of my entire life. So I say it. "That's a very white thing for you to say". Normally if I said this to any of my friends nothing would happen. They'd just brush it off as me being a smart ass, but this the T.J. I knew he would take it completely in the wrong way, and he did. we then had the following conversation:

TJ: What's that suppose to mean?
Me: Well you see, unfortunately in America, you're still from time to time judged by the way you look and you're definitely going to be judged by as many aspects as possible if your running for the highest profile position in the world...and Obama looks pretty black.
TJ: Well how would you feel if you were running for president and they kept saying you were Asian?
Me: I am Asian...
TJ: I'm just saying he's just as white as black.
Me: You're trying to steal this from us aren't you?
TJ: Us? You're not black...
Me: I'm referring to minorities.
TJ: Well, I'm a minority too.
Me: No argument there...

TJ doesn't get a lot of things but by his facial expression responding to my last line, he gets sarcasm. Basically since that day our relationship hasn't been too strong, but it's not that I hate the guy or anything, it's just that I can't help but push this guys buttons because he's just too goofy. For example one night I'm cooking and using the non-stick oil spray and he goes on a tangent about all the chemicals and how they can hurt you and questioning why I would use that over organic butter. Lets just say he didn't find it funny when I said "chemicals taste good".

One last note. This picture below pretty much sums up how I felt when Obama won the election. Most guys should get this reference. Any girl that knows this pop-culture reference instantly becomes 4 to 5 times more attractive.

2 Week Project

2008-10-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

So, I have failed to recently blog because I was busy working on the class 2 week project for the last 3 weeks. Yes, only in film can a 2 week project take 3 weeks. I was one of the 4 directors, and we each got to direct a separate scene in the movie and the 4 scenes make up the entire project. When I wasn't shooting on my specific scene I was first and second Assistant Director. Let me just say, being the 1st AD is THE worst job on the set. Basically the 1st AD acts as the body guard to the director and everyone is only allowed to talk to the 1st AD, then the 1st AD relays the messages. This means that you allow everyone to take a dump AND verbally vomit all over you so that the director can focus on the actors in peace. The 1st AD on the other hand gets psychologically curb-stomped just about every 5 seconds for the next 10 hours.

I was the 1st AD on the shoot day with the most extras (all the extras actually) and the last day because my boy, who was the AD for the last day, got hit square in the head with some set equipment so I had to take his place. I'm now thoroughly convinced that the 1st AD must make a fat paycheck because it's the worst job. You get the most stressful position on the set, and for what? Your name in little tiny letters in the end credits while everyone reads "DIRECTED BY CHRISTOPHER NOLAN" in bold. I'd love to meet Nolan's 1st AD just to ask him how the hell he/she does it. On the bright side, and this probably sounds crazy, but I didn't mind it too much. Honestly I'd rather be a 1st AD for the rest of my life than 98% of the jobs that exist in America (the remaining 2% represents professional athlete in any major sport, director, writer, producer, millionaire video game tester, and Megan Fox's spoiled husband). I was probably okay with being an AD because I didn't mind the pressure too much and I'd rather be over-worked (and over-paid) than under-worked.

Now, what's the short film about? If I had to describe it in one sentence..."A film about making a film about fake-real robbing a western bank in 2008 that has major violence and some soft-core porn." I'm not even kidding...

State of the Woman Address

2008-10-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

Alright Nation, I know it's been a fairly long time since my last post, and my 14 hour school days are pretty much to blame, but I have realized a couple of new things about AZ, particularly about the women.

Basically every woman in AZ either ages extremely well or horribly. This means I keep meeting woman that are 30 that look like they are 20 or woman that are 25 that look like they are 45. It really doesn't make any sense. Back in Gainesville you never had to initially ask about a females age. You knew that the gal had a 99% chance of being between 18-22 years old. If you think about it, questions about a womans age when you first meet them don't even come up. What were the cliche questions you'd ask a girl? You'd probably ask them about their major (btw ladies when we ask about your major we don't need a 20 minute speech about how you want to study dolphins and gorillas in their natural habitat. Just say what you are and wait for the next question), subtly ask about their relationship status, go into small talk about pop culture, or whatever. Now here in AZ the number one thing you have to figure out is the age of the chick. Period. My friends and I have been SO wrong at guessing woman's ages that there's no science or reason to it at all. Maybe it's the lack of humidity or the amount of altitude but some woman know how to age well and some don't around here. For example, the lady I live with is a great grandmother and probably significantly older than my father. She could pass as 45 years old, no problem. It's mind boggling. Then there is another girl I know who is in her late 20s, but looks like she'll need a wheelchair in a couple years.

Now, on a completely different subject, I realized that people that hang out around bars, are freakin' out of their minds. Here's a conversation I had with a woman word for word.

*Lady walks up and tickles the back of my neck*
Lady: What race are you?
Me: Uhhh, Vietnamese.
L: Are you sure?
M: (sarcastically) Yea, like completely sure.
L: (deep stare) You're not 100% Vietnamese.
M: I'm not?
L: No...Your skin is too.............olive.
M: (Me looking around to make sure I was still on Earth)

She then goes to the dance floor and starts doing twirls for ,I shit you not, the next three hours. The scary part is that she was more than likely completely sober.

Then we see a biker dude who is at least 45 years old start dancing with a 10 year old girl that we know for sure is not related to him. This is when I wish I had Chris Hansen's phone number.

Also every bar and club here plays Techno music and I'm pretty much ready to kill myself because of it. Lets just say that creating a Techno version of a Beatles song and thinking it's good is like pissing on John Lennon's grave.

Craziest Character Ever

2008-09-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

I would of wrote about this guy I met sooner but I just got done writing and directing my first short. It's only three minutes long and probably will turn out horribly because of continuity problems but I'm satisfied so far with how it turned out.

Now to the important part. Last weekend my classmates and I play some beer pong and hang out on a Saturday night when we decide to go out. We are at a friends apartment and as we are going downstairs we run into the craziest character I have ever met. That's saying a lot considering the amount of homeless people I've had to endure in downtown St. Pete and Gainesville.

So this guy walks up to us with a shovel and a 19 year old dog. I don't mean 19 years old in doggie years. I mean 19 years old, and it showed. The dog was basically dead. He was holding the dog in one arm like a baby and you could see it breathing, but besides that it was lifeless. So my friend tries to start a fake conversation by asking the guy, "so how old is your dog?" He responds with, I shit you not, "He's 19 years old....I'm a three time convicted felon". My group then does the collective "wtf" stare as he begins to laugh. For the next 15 minutes he tells his life story, which I will now put in outline form.

-He has a transvestite parole officer.
-He is a member of an Italian mob family.
-He has seen a cop being killed with piano wire.
-He has the raspiest voice I have ever heard.
-He thinks girls with guns are a great thing.
-He paid $100,000 to get information about a judge having sexual relationships with boys.
-He hates police officers that are on steroids.

I'm sure there are more things he talked about that I just don't remember right now but the cherry on the top to this conversation is that he shows us his car sitting in his garage. He has a van covered in padded foam. When I say covered I mean completely covered with not an inch of paint visible. Apparently he foamed his van so that he can survive in below freezing temperatures when he spends months out in the woods. What kind of goofy things a guy like this does in the woods, I'll never know. All I know is that when a group of people have a 15 minute conversation and only 1 person talks the whole time, that person is either crazy, drunk, or Jesus.

Personality Test

2008-09-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

Last week I had to sit down and take a personality test to determine what traits I am to "help me communicate with my classmates". Apparently, this test (that I thought was total BS) said that I was an extravert, intuitive, thinking, and perceiving. This combination represents 5% of the American population. Good for me considering that combination means absolutely nothing to me. After taking this test they sit down with you and tell you how you react to certain situations and how you react with other people, depending on their personality outcomes. Now...here's why this test made NO sense.

The questions they ask you are completely pointless. They ask you 30 questions that have only 2 possible multiple choice answers. One of the questions were, "When you are introduced to a new group of people do they get to know you quickly or does it take awhile?" I couldn't answer the question. It was too broad. What kind of "new" group? Was it a KKK gathering? Are they a group of clowns? What kind of clowns? Am I drunk? Did I just get done mowing the lawn in the scorching heat? These questions are important and necessary because your ability to communicate with other people has a lot to do with your environment and state of mind.

So basically the questions continue to ask for answers that are either black or white and I continue to give myself hypothetical situations where both answers would be correct.

I then find out that the test was developed by a mother and her young daughter...WHAA? Of course, of course. Only this combination of people could figure this test would be a good idea and useful. Seriously, they should of asked me to write the test. It would be simple and 100% accurate in determining your personality and none of the BS.

Question 1
Do you have more than 5 friends that you could sit in a car ride, with no music and no talking for 10 minutes and not feel awkward at all? Yes: You have friends! (extravert) No: You have fake friends! (intravert)

(BTW this may be the most overlooked relationship aspect in the history of time. I can't think of anything that can define your relationship with another person more than sitting in a car with that person. You instantly know the awkwardness level and if conversation will be necessary.)

Question 2
Are you a woman? Yes: Feelings No: Logic

Question 3
Have you ever been featured on "My Super Sweet 16"? Yes: Asshole

That's it! Somebody give me the Noble Peace Prize already.

2 Unique Happenings This Week

2008-09-10T16:52:00.001-07:00

The first unique thing this week was that I took part in working on a set for the first time in my life. Our assignment was to create a 4 minute western that replicated the same tone and message as the first scene in The Godfather. I was assigned as the producer, so unfortunately I did little to no work involving creative thinking. I did find out that making even a 4 minute movie takes a TON of paperwork. I had to gather release forms for the actors, release forms for the location, time codes for audio and visual, map shots, map list, etc. etc. etc. I basically realized that in the future, I'm going to hire a producer to take care of all that stuff when I make full length features so that I can focus on the actual movie. The shoot was good though because I may have learned a years worth of information in just a couple of weeks. The funny thing about this shoot is that it was suppose to be a dramatic 4 minute scene but after watching the raw footage today, it has more unintentional comedy than Snakes on a Plane. It was a learning experience for everyone though, so it was to be expected. Also, one non-film piece of information that I picked up is that 0% humidity can be extremely dangerous, for this reason. You have no idea when you're thirsty because you don't sweat. In Florida I knew when I needed water because I would be drenched after playing basketball or whatever I was doing outside, but here you stay dry all the time. The whole shoot was outside in the sun and several hours went by until I decided to take a sip of water, only to realize that I needed to drink the entire bottle.

Now, the second unique thing I participated in this week is that I climbed this big red thing also known as Bell Rock, all the way to the top:

I know, very white of me. It took two of my classmates and me about an hour and a half to shimmy, climb, and crawl all the way to the top. We had no ropes or safety devices, so luckily we didn't fall to our deaths. By the time we were at the top I was exhausted but the view was something I'll never forget. It was a little past dust when we finally made it, so the stars and lights from all the surrounding cities were clearly visible. It was one of the coolest sceneries I have ever seen. Bill Watterson's quote pretty much sums up the experience I had when I saw the whole setting, "If people sat outside and looked at the stars every night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently". I also gave out the loudest Johnny Drama Chase "VICTORY" scream ever, it had to be done.

5 Things About Arizona

2008-09-05T19:22:00.000-07:00

So I've been living in Arizona for about a week now and I've already picked up a couple unique characteristics about Sedona that I either found interesting, weird, or funny. Here's 5 of them.

1. I miss a lot of people and things in Florida but one thing I will never miss for the rest of my life is the humidity created by Satan himself. Arizona is basically 0% and it is straight up glorious. I can actually go outside and walk to my car without breaking out into a medically endangering sweat. When my car has been out in the sun for several hours it only takes a few seconds of A.C. before it feels nice again. Stepping into shadows outside is like stepping into an air conditioned house. Frankly I don't know how the hell I've been living in 100% humidity my entire life. Rumors that Arizona is hotter than Florida...WRONG. Heat here is only a problem when you are getting sun burns and I basically have S.P.F. 200 soaked in my pores since birth. (By the way with no humidity comes no mosquitoes! I have seen an occasional bat though.)

2. Every time I go home from class my ears pop because my school is about 1500 feet higher in elevation than the place I live. It's weird because my body isn't used to that type of elevation change so it freaks out. My ears pop in and out, and my eyes flicker. It happens every time right on queue at the 8 mile mark. Since there is so much sprawl in this state you can't avoid driving for 20 minutes to get from one location to another and each city is separated with huge amounts of elevation. I just know one day at the 8 mile mark at night a deer is going to step into the road and I'm going to go into my normal 5 seconds of elevation convulsions. It'll be a funny story though, so whatever.

3. This city is full of tourist who want to go to the Grand Canyon and/or window shop in Uptown. I was walking through a parking lot and couldn't find matching state license plates until my 10th car, which was really shocking. Tourist don't bother me too much though because I grew up around them going to the beach all the time, so no big deal. The problem is that I can't convince local shop owners that I don't want a "Sedona Rocks!" shirt. I know I know, I'm Asian and I look like a tourist but I'll pass on the cheesy shirt 2 sizes too big for $25. I'm still waiting to see the middle-aged man, with his family, wearing the newly bought shirt while window shopping. This man will have a 110% chance of being white.

4. Every man that is training for the next Tour de France is training in Sedona. Seriously. I see so many of these bikers with the tight body suits and sleek helmets. It's actually pretty funny to drive by one of them when they are on a road with a huge incline. They basically have to stand up and crank the crap out of the pedals, yet they still only move about 5 miles an hour. I was sitting at a red light watching this guy just cranking his entire body to get up this mountain. I started laughing, I mean I couldn't help it. Unfortunately for me my front window isn't tinted so he sees me just making a complete joke out of all of his hopes and dreams. My car is at the top of the mountain and when he finally makes it to the top, he stops, gets off his bike, looks at me, and gives me a big thumbs up. So what do I do...I give him a big thumbs up back, I mean what else could I do? What else can anyone do when someone gives you a thumbs up? Either he thought I was his newest fan, or he was giving me a sarcastic style "fuck you". I just hope he knows my thumbs up was a sarcastic style "get a car and learn to play baseball/basketball/football".

5. The recreational activity of choice for every local I've met is "jumping into the creek", or some variation of a creek visit. Now I could probably live my entire life without ever visiting a creek and I think I would be alright with that, so it doesn't really excite me. So after they tell me about how much they love creek visits they continue the conversation by telling me about EVERY creek that has ever existed and how to get there. Listen, it took me 3 days to figure out where Wal-Mart was, so there's no way I can remember directions that include 5 to 6 back roads leading to their favorite creek, it's just not going to happen. I'm sure I'll visit a creek eventually just to see what all the buzz is about, but know that a beach in Florida probably kicks any creeks ass just because you're not going to see hundreds of women in bikinis at a creek. Please God prove me wrong.

Living Arrangements

2008-09-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got a room for rent. The room is going to be temporary until I can find a better place, and here's why. I have a female roommate...that is at least 70 years old. Don't get me wrong, she's really nice, energetic, spunky and I'll probably learn a couple wise lessons from her days in the great depression selling apples for 3 cents a piece but her house creeps me out. She has a room filled with life-sized dolls of little girls. Anyone that knows me knows that little girl ghosts scare me more than anything and little girl dolls that have the potential to come to life are close enough. She also has tons of books about aliens, other dimensions, afterlife, religion, and magic. Basically, this means that she's a witch and I'm screwed.

She says she never locks the house door, so I don't need a key. Apparently the neighborhood is "safe". What this really means is that everyone in the neighborhood knows not to go near her house in fear of being kidnapped and tortured.

Now, the only other scenario for this situation is that this will be THE best comedy show on television. I mean the pairing of a retired potentially crazy white woman and a young aspiring Asian director/writer kicks the odd couple show's ass. You couldn't write a story this imaginative if you were tripping on acid. Basically she wakes up at 5 in the morning to do whatever old people do at 5 in the morning. I go to class for 8 hours a day and since she goes to bed fairly early this leaves the two of us about 3 hours of one on one time in the house. So we talk about how she doesn't believe in microwaves (and by the way, when I heard this I almost shit a brick. How can you not believe in microwaves? Soon I'm going to find out that we have to fetch water from the well in the backyard), how Sedona is a "spiritual" city, and how she wants to buy me a little lamp by my bed so I can read at night (I'll come around to telling her about laptops and e-books one day after I tell her about cellphones and rap music). Bottom line is that it should be an interesting relationship and hopefully it will be a worthwhile experience I can laugh about one day since it is an experience everyone else can laugh about right now. I just hope I don't give her a heart attack when I tell her Nixon isn't president anymore.

First Days in Arizona

2008-09-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

So I left for Arizona on August 27th and arrived in Sedona Arizona on August 30th. I drove all the way from Florida and lets just say it was quite an adventure. So during my journey I blew out my back tire while driving through Houston and I figured, "that is some crappy luck". I end up losing three hours because I had to change the spare (in the Houston heat so I looked like I just took a shower with my clothes on), take the car to a tire shop, and wait for them to fix it. I get back on the road and a hour and half later...my OTHER back tire blows out. Apparently having back tires that are eight years old will blow out when you decide to go on a 2,000 mile road trip. Why did nobody teach me this in school? So I put the spare on the car on the side of the highway while cars zoom by me at 100 mph. I felt like a Nascar crew pit member except my chances of death were about 75% higher. I get back on the road and eventually I find an old run down shack that advertises as a "tire repair shop". Basically I'm in the middle of nowhere and this guy says he can change the tire, no problem. Luckily he is a nice guy and helps me out for only $26 but he could of as easily murdered me Texas Chainsaw Massacre style and nobody would of ever found my body, so I'm grateful to get out of there safely.

By the way, Texas...scary ass place for minorities. The looks from middle-aged white males wearing cowboy hats wishing they could legally lynch me were a new experience. I mean I thought I knew what a racist stare looked like but damn, these guys took it to another level. Lets just say if Racist staring was a professional sport, I met at least five former first round overall picks.

So now I'm beginning to settle down in Sedona. My impression of the city is Key West with huge ass red mountains in every direction instead of water. A small town though compared to the high energy and capacity of Gainesville. It just feels weird not having tons of people walking around everywhere like on UF's campus at 2 in the afternoon. I like the town and hopefully I'll eventually love it but it'll take awhile. There are just too many unknown variables right now. The one thing I know for sure is that I am easily the most well-dressed male in the entire city. I mean it's not even close. When were cowboy hats with basketball shorts from the 50's and sandals ever acceptable?